Revising

EXERCISE: Check your essay

Read the paragraph below. What advice would you give to the writer?

       There are physical effects. Music Therapy takes advantage of these physical effects to the benefit of health. According to Turner, Frey, and Lerner (2011), noisier and quicker tones lead to increased blood pressure and heart rate; slower, quieter, and more even sounds generate the opposite effect. As well, music is used as a stimulus directly over the body. Music can also relieve muscle tension and improve motor skills. It is often used to help rebuild physical patterning skills in rehabilitation clinics. Levels of endorphins are increased while listening to music, and levels of stress hormones are decreased. This latter effect may partially explain the ability of music to improve immune function. Careful research demonstrates that music therapy is an effective treatment.

EXERCISE: Give feedback

Use these questions to give the author advice about how to improve it. Think about the function of each type of paragraph as well as how sources are used to support the main idea of the essay.

  1. Does the introduction provide the general information a reader needs in order to understand the topic?
  2. Does the introduction end with an effective thesis? Does it match the style of the essay?
  3. Do each of the body paragraphs begin with an effective topic sentence?
  4. Are the body paragraphs sequenced in a logical order?
  5. Look at each body Do the supporting sentences support the topic sentence?
  6. Look at each body Are the supporting sentences sequenced in a logical order?
  7. Look at each body Is there enough development? Are there more details or examples that would help the reader?
  8. Look at each body Does the concluding sentence close the paragraph logically?
  9. Does the conclusion paragraph start by restating the thesis?
  10. Does the conclusion paragraph have a suggestion, prediction, or opinion at the end?

Social media

       What is social media? Social media is the new form to communicate with others in this new era. Many people use social media, but do not know about its bad effects.

       The principal negative effect of social media is fake reality and many problems with self-esteem. Many young people do many crazy things only to get a like on their post. Young people and older people post on social media many different social posts only to receive attention.

       Now relationships have many troubles with spending time together, and many relationships are in trouble when they are together. People do not know how to make real relationships and this is a real problem. They make new gadgets to make life easier, but we are in this world to experiment, to explore, and to make mistakes. This is the real purpose of having technology: to make progress. We need to use technology to advance and use social media to connect with those around us. We need to use social media to help others, not to watch videos and see entertaining things. We can use social media to help others if we make tutorials and teach our skills to other people, and everybody has the opportunity to contribute knowledge. Another factor to be affected is marriages. Many couples spend a lot of time on social media and they only chat for a short time. This makes a new problem and this spreads these couples apart and sometimes gives other people the opportunity to enter into this relationship. This division causes many problems in their relationship. Infidelity is more common today because social media posts news articles talking about how infidelity is normal.

       People have a huge problem with social media addictions, but we can help people with this issue. If we are good friends and motivate people who are addicted to social media to explore the real world, they don't need to use the social media to be happy. Maybe they can use their phones only for the camera to save a good memory. It is time to use social media to get started to connect countries and end discrimination. It is time to use social media to bring happiness to poor people. Technology and social media make up our era. We must be the users and not the slaves of our devices.

       Take time to count how much time you are spending with your family and evaluate how much time you spend on social media.