Revise a Personal Statement

My passion for law started when I was in high school. During this time, important influences in my life helped me to realize that my major desire is becoming a lawyer. My [family member], who is a lawyer, always told me everything about her job. But when I turned [age], I started to show more interest in it. She had told me how her job can be so versatile. For instance, she can be defending someone in court, doing divorce papers, or just checking that some processes are within the legal framework. This made me interested in law because I want to be someone that can work in different areas so I can develop different skills. Also, the idea of interacting with others excited me and I know that being a lawyer is a way to help people and bring justice to our society. Another big influence in my life was [teacher] from high school. He led me to find passion in topics related to law such as civil rights, politics, sociology, economics, etc. Now that I know what my passion is, my next step is to apply it to my career and become a successful lawyer.

My skills and passion will lead me to become a successful lawyer one day. One of the things I am always looking for in my life and my community is justice. I have strong feelings about helping others and doing what is right to bring justice to our society, which conviction motivates me to help the people who need it the most. Besides, thanks to experiences from school involving classes on civil rights, politics, and the debates that I was part of, now I feel I can express myself in a better way, which would help me to be someone that can positively influence others with my opinions and thoughts. Also, I consider myself someone that finds joy when I can develop myself in other areas. For example, I am always trying to learn new skills or hobbies, which is why working in such a versatile career would be the best for me. I participated in activities at school where I was chosen to be a leader and I needed to talk with a lot of people. These helped me to learn how to interact, be patient, and have empathy with others, skills that I believe would lead me to success in my career.
 
Being able to develop my skills and grow as a lawyer would help me to reach my goal of contributing to the wellness of people in my community. I hope to be the voice of those who are silenced because of the injustices in society and help with little actions to create a better world. I believe that this community will be benefited by my enthusiasm and commitment in classes. Also, thanks to my creativity, I can solve problems quickly and bring new ideas, which can be a great tool too. Law is a set of principles and norms that look for ideas of justice and order, and I want to be part of it.

Exercises

Exercise 1: Analyze a personal statement

  1. How is the writer introduced?
  2. What information do you think the prompt asked for?
  3. Are the ideas sequenced in a logical order?
  4. Is there a clearly stated purpose (conclusion) in this personal statement?
  5. What suggestions would you give this writer to improve the personal statement?

Exercise 2: Revise an essay

Revise this student's essay. Ignore bracketed information [ ] in your editing efforts. 

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