CoverObjectivesThe Writing ProcessAddressing the PromptPrewritingWritingRevisingOriginalityTimed Writing 1Integrated Writing 1Essay Shape and OrganizationIntroduction ParagraphsBody ParagraphsConclusion ParagraphsReference PageA Shifting StructureExample EssayTimed Writing 2Integrated Writing 2Descriptive EssaysExample Descriptive EssayPrewritingWriting: Word ChoiceSources: QuotingRevisingRevise a Descriptive EssayExplore Other Genres: Creative WritingTimed Writing 3Integrated Writing 3Personal StatementsExample Personal StatementTypes of Personal StatementsOrganization for Comprehensive Personal StatementOrganization for Prompted Personal StatementWriting: DevelopmentRevisingRevise a Personal StatementExplore Other Genres: Formal EmailsTimed Writing 4Integrated Writing 4Cause-Effect EssaysExample Cause-Effect EssayPrewritingWriting: UnitySources: SummarizingRevisingRevise a Cause-Effect EssayExplore Other Genres: ReviewsTimed Writing 5Integrated Writing 5Persuasive EssaysExample Persuasive EssayPrewritingWriting: CohesionSources: ParaphrasingRevisingRevise a Persuasive EssayExplore Other Genres: ReflectionsTimed Writing 6Integrated Writing 6Appendix A: Argumentative EssaysExample Argumentative EssayStructure of an ArgumentPrewritingWriting: Cohesion in ArgumentsRevisingRevise an Argumentative EssayAppendix B: Using SourcesFinding SourcesIn-text CitationsMore about Reference PagesAppendix C: Extra TOEFL ResourcesTOEFL Integrated WritingTOEFL Independent Writing
University Prep Winter Writing C

Revise an Argumentative Essay

Exercise 7.36: Evaluate an essay

Read the student essay. Evaluate the essay using these questions:

  • Does the essay follow a general essay structure?
  • Are the thesis statement, topic sentences, and restated thesis statement effective?
  • Are the ideas of the essay developed so that you understand the main idea of the essay?
  • Are all the sentences in the essay unified within and between paragraphs?
  • Are the sentences and paragraphs organized to have a logical flow?
  • Are there any words, phrases, or sentences that you notice are confusing for you as the reader?
  • Does the argument acknowledge the opponent's side and rebut it?

Exercise 7.37: Give Feedback

Read the student essay. Then, give the author feedback by answering the question below. 

  • What suggestions would you give the author who wrote this?

Exercise 7.38: Revise an Essay

Read the student essay. Evaluate the essay to determine what needs to change to make the essay better. Decide how you are going to make those changes. Then, make the changes to revise the essay. 

You may do this on paper, on a computer, or as your teacher directs. 

Milk

       Milk is currently among the most consumed foods in the world. Its nutritional properties help maintain healthy bones by proteins, vitamins and minerals, especially the calcium they contain. However, according to different studies milk is healthy just the first six months of life because this product is not designed for human consumption. Scientists have identified that this product can trigger bone damage, stimulate cancer cells, and can alter the function of the hormone's body.

       Although milk is recommended during childhood because it favors tissues and bone mass, it is not guaranteed that the calcium intake required by an adult. There are other foods with a more effective contribution of this component. Also, the fact of living without milk is not an impediment to having strong bones and teeth, on the contrary, studies have shown that the consumption of dairy or food with calcium is not a protective factor against the risk of fractures. Milk does have indispensable nutrients, but to obtain them we do not need to take it. The best foods to acquire calcium are vegetables.

       For many years, milk has been considered an essential food for the healthy growth of our body, particularly in regard to the development of the skeleton. The reason is that milk is rich in calcium, an essential mineral in the bone system, but has been proven that bones can be damaged by consumption of milk after childhood. For instance, a glass of milk also contains acidic animal proteins that filter calcium from the bones, pus cells, feces components, bovine growth hormone, antibiotics, unnecessary fat, cholesterol, and calories which create a severe imbalance in the body. (Verma, 2016, para. 4). Furthermore, the digestion and absorption of calcium interfere with the normal functioning of kidney. "Excess calcium needs to excreted and the kidneys bear the load, which in turn contributes to the formation of kidney stones, which have a calcium composition" (Verma, 2016, para. 5). For this reason, experts recommend that it is preferable to replace this product with other healthier products for hu- man consumption.

       Moreover, milk can estimules cancer cells. This product is one of the causes of food allergies. More than 70% of the world's population is unable to digest milk sugar: lactose which has led nutritionists to think that this is the normal condition of adults, and not a deficiency. (Plante, 2016, para. 26.). Due to the fact, that situation creates the ideal environment to stimulate cancer cells. "One reason milk consumption may lead to cancer risk is insulin-like growth factor, IGF-1 (not to be confused with bovine growth hormone, rBGH). Milk contains IGF-1 for good reason: milk is designed for babies, and IGF-1 helps us grow. IGF-1 affects growth, as well as other functions, and is normally found in our blood. Higher levels of IGF-1, however, appear to stimulate cancer cells." (Stewart, 2004, para. 7). Consequently, the effects of milk on adults can be fatal, especially for those who have digestion problems.

       Furthermore, components in milk can altere hormones in our body. "Foods of animal origin in general naturally contain hormones, but cow's milk may be of particular concern. The hormones naturally found even in organic cow's milk may have played a role in studies that found a relationship between dairy products and human illnesses, such as acne, certain cancers, and male reproductive disorders. Milk consumption has also been associated with an increased risk of early puberty in girls and endometrial cancer in postmenopausal women." (Greger, 2016, para. 4). "It is well known that rBGH [synthetic bovine growth hormone] increases levels of another growth hormone, IGF-1, which is identical in cows and humans. At elevated levels, IGF-1 is known to increase cancer rates in humans.

       "Consumption of milk can provides essential nutrients for our body, but the excessive consumption can develop health problems related with bones, cancer and hormones."

       Most of the industrialized nations of the world, including Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Japan and all 25 nations of the European Union, have disallowed the use of rBGH, based primarily on human and animal health concerns. The Codex Alimentarius, the U.N.'s main food safety body, has concluded there is no consensus that rBGH is safe for human consumption.”

       Thus, while milk in children can stimulate their growing, for adults can be dangerou and affect bones, trigger cancer and alter of functioning of the hormones.